How do you feel about making a mistake?
Do you think they are opportunities to learn and grow? Do you think they are to be avoided at all costs? How does your organization treat mistakes? When someone makes a mistake is (s)he publicly scorned and black-listed? Is the opportunity taken to brainstorm solutions and share knowledge so that everyone benefits? What emotions are evoked when you consider making a mistake?
Sally walked out of the meeting, shoulders hunched, an angry scowl marring her otherwise pleasing features. Her supervisor had done it again! She had called her out in front of the whole team and berated her for a mistake. She had implemented an idea that turned out to be a mistake. Fortunately, she reminisced with great relief, damage control mechanisms had been put in place and the company’s reputation remained intact.
She wistfully rehearsed the many other ideas that she had implemented that had been successes. No one remembered those! Her anger resurfaced.
She recalled the scene that had just played out in the Blue Room; aptly named she smirked. The accusatory stares of her team members seemed like daggers that found their mark in her heart. If I had stayed in that one-minute longer I would have been bawling, she mused. Her once hunched shoulders stiffened. That just would not do, that would have been so much more embarrassing! I feel disgraced, worthless, silly. I will never share an idea with this company ever again, she vowed.
Sadly, here we have a heart wounded over a mistake.
Our brain is designed so that everything we experience through our senses must be ‘felt’/labelled emotionally by the limbic system before they are ‘telt’/labelled rationally in the frontal lobe. The communication between the limbic system and the frontal lobe is the physical source of what is termed Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is our ability to identify and understand emotions in ourselves and others. Emotions can help you or hurt you, but the good news is we can be empowered to determine whether our emotions are resources or liabilities.
Let’s try to help Sally understand the emotions that were stimulated by the incident.
Sally has already identified, embarrassment, disgrace, worthlessness, and silliness.
Even though we have a host of descriptions for our emotions; research has indicated that we only have five core emotions: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Shame. The descriptions we coin indicate the intensity with which we are feeling the core emotions. In Sally’s case, disgrace and worthlessness are high-intensity feelings, embarrassment medium intensity, and silliness low intensity, for the core emotion of, you guessed it, ‘Shame’.
What is shame? An unpleasant, self-conscious emotion, typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. (en.wikipedia.org).
Shame is felt physically in the face, neck, and upper chest. There are feelings of warmth or heat and, according to the hue of the skin, there may be redness. These symptoms are accompanied by a desire to hide.
Everyone, even infants, feels shame even though they may not recognize it as such. Ever burped loudly in a crowd? Ever felt flawed or inferior?
Here are some common ‘shame’ experiences:
- Shyness (shame when you are in a strange situation or with a strange person).
- Discouragement (shame about a situation in which you were temporarily defeated)
- Embarrassment (shame in front of other people, especially if these persons are friends, acquaintances or co-workers)
- Self-consciousness (shame about your performance)
- Inferiority (overpowering and all-encompassing shame about yourself)
Notably, shame can be healthy as when one behaves or says something dishonorable, improper, or just plain ridiculous. However, many people suffer from unhealthy shame, and what’s worse, might not even know it.
Always – There is hope in Christ, who is the God of all comfort, our joy, our delight. If you are experiencing difficulties with shame or any other emotional issue I invite you to take it to Him, our Wonderful Counselor. I would also recommend that you seek the services of a qualified counselor who will offer you the support that you need as you overcome. Overcoming is guaranteed as according to the Scriptures “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.” (Revelation 12:11 NKJV).
Join me in Part 2 – We will continue to explore Sally’s issue and offer tips for recovery.
Contact me at ahermittsmusings@gmail.com