This topic is of a sensitive nature and might evoke intense emotional responses.
I stared at my counsellor, tears welling up in my eyes. Our discussion was evoking involuntary and unwanted responses. Memories of my life since birth came flooding back like a tsunami threatening to sweep me away in its currents.
I was raped at the age of 13!
In my early 30s, I had sought the help of a counsellor due to intense emotional upheaval. I was struggling with depression and confusion.
Our discussions evoked memories of the years of my life. Some pleasant some not.
The memories of that horrific occasion, that were once a deep dark fog came shining through like mist chased by the sun. Memories that had been chained and buried within the soil of my consciousness. The attendant thoughts and emotions were shackled behind large and high prison walls in my mind. Padlocked, keys discarded in my bid to escape the pain, the intense searing pain.
I winced as the details danced from their tombs to my mind. Images, sounds and feelings vividly coloured and amplified exploded within me. Shame consumed me like a hungry lion with its prey. I had been abased, belittled, demeaned. What did the Bible have to say about what had happened to me?
If a man finds a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29).
The rapist had humbled and scarred me for life. I felt guilt, condemnation, soiled, dirty, worthless, a nobody.
I recalled that fateful day when my innocence was carelessly and callously stolen from me. I trusted him! He was my neighbor, an elder brother really. Yet, blinded by lust and the need to dominate, he brutally invaded my body and spilled my blood.
I felt helpless, hopeless, afraid. Nobody must know! I felt trapped, who would want someone who was spoilt, sullied, used, abused and discarded like so much trash.
I could well identify with Tamar, King David’s daughter, who was raped by her half-brother Amnon.
After he had trapped her, disregarded her pleas and sated his obsessive lust; he had his servant throw her out of his house! Amnon’s wicked act altered the course of Tamar’s life. So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom’s house. (See 2nd Samuel 13)
Anger filled my soul, like a bomb waiting to detonate. I was angry at my absentee father, who was clueless about what had happened to his daughter. I was angry at my mother, who kept silent in fear, even though she had found out what had happened. I was angry at the rapist’s friends and family members who knew of his evil intentions yet did not dissuade him.
This was the way things were – it was nothing, part of life, part of the destiny of most young girls who had the misfortune to live in the ghetto. I was angry at the rapist – how could he? Finally, I was angry at God.
Where was God when I was being brutalized?
He claims that He loves me. If this is so, why did He allow it to happen? Didn’t He hear my silent screams for help? Why didn’t He send someone to rescue me? Was God punishing me by allowing it?
Was it my fate to be an object used to satiate men’s lust?
I was his go to – You see, the rapes continued. Every so often, he would lure me into his apartment. I began to see him as my man. I was afraid of him, yet now drawn to him. I was confused, my teenaged mind all in a muddle.
Looking back, the age old question began to plague my mind … Why does a good God allow evil?
This question came to the fore whenever I was confronted by evil acts against the innocent, helpless, oppressed and victimized. Why…, why…. Why?
The answers came over time. So did healing and transformation.
I have come to know God as faithful, compassionate, loving, kind, my heavenly Father. I have come to know that He is for me and that He has great plans for my life. A life that is yielded to Him.
If you have had a similar experience and would like to find the hope and healing that I have found in God. Why not ask Him to come into your life now. I promise you it will never be the same. Pray this prayer with me.
Lord Jesus, I thank You for Your love. I thank You for Your mercy. I recognize that I am a sinner in need of Your salvation. I now choose to turn away from evil and accept Your free gift of salvation made through Your sacrifice on the cross. Please wash away all my sins and come into my life so that I might live through You. Amen.
I would love to hear from you! Provide feedback or let me know if you prayed that prayer. Contact me at ahermittsmusings@gmail.com.
