THE JOURNEY BEGINS
Hey! My name is Sharon Hermitt. Thanks for visiting my blog. Here you will find my thoughts, ideas and opinions about God and the beliefs people have of Him based on my own life experiences. Join me every month when I will post my musings. I would appreciate your sharing with me any ideas on which to muse. It would be my pleasure to hear from you at ahermittsmusings@gmail.com. Be blessed!
THE PROBLEM OF EVIL (PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE)
This topic is of a sensitive nature and might evoke intense emotional responses. I stared at my counsellor, tears welling up in my eyes. Our discussion was evoking involuntary and unwanted responses. Memories of my life since birth came flooding back like a tsunami threatening to sweep me away in its currents. I was raped at the age of 13! In my early 30s, I had sought the help of a counsellor due to intense emotional upheaval. I was struggling with depression and confusion. Our discussions evoked memories of the years of my life. Some pleasant some not. The memories of that horrific occasion, that were once a deep dark fog came shining through like mist chased by the sun. Memories that had been chained and buried within the soil of my consciousness. The attendant thoughts and emotions were shackled behind large and high prison walls in my mind. Padlocked, keys discarded in my bid to escape the pain, the intense searing pain. I winced as the details danced from their tombs to my mind. Images, sounds and feelings vividly coloured and amplified exploded within me. Shame consumed me like a hungry lion with its prey. I had been abased, belittled, demeaned. What did the Bible have to say about what had happened to me? If a man finds a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). The rapist had humbled and scarred me for life. I felt guilt, condemnation, soiled, dirty, worthless, a nobody. I recalled that fateful day when my innocence was carelessly and callously stolen from me. I trusted him! He was my neighbor, an elder brother really. Yet, blinded by lust and the need to dominate, he brutally invaded my body and spilled my blood. I felt helpless, hopeless, afraid. Nobody must know! I felt trapped, who would want someone who was spoilt, sullied, used, abused and discarded like so much trash. I could well identify with Tamar, King David’s daughter, who was raped by her half-brother Amnon. After he had trapped her, disregarded her pleas and sated his obsessive lust; he had his servant throw her out of his house! Amnon’s wicked act altered the course of Tamar’s life. So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom’s house. (See 2nd Samuel 13) Anger filled my soul, like a bomb waiting to detonate. I was angry at my absentee father, who was clueless about what had happened to his daughter. I was angry at my mother, who kept silent in fear, even though she had found out what had happened. I was angry at the rapist’s friends and family members who knew of his evil intentions yet did not dissuade him. This was the way things were – it was nothing, part of life, part of the destiny of most young girls who had the misfortune to live in the ghetto. I was angry at the rapist – how could he? Finally, I was angry at God. Where was God when I was being brutalized? He claims that He loves me. If this is so, why did He allow it to happen? Didn’t He hear my silent screams for help? Why didn’t He send someone to rescue me? Was God punishing me by allowing it? Was it my fate to be an object used to satiate men’s lust? I was his go to – You see, the rapes continued. Every so often, he would lure me into his apartment. I began to see him as my man. I was afraid of him, yet now drawn to him. I was confused, my teenaged mind all in a muddle. Looking back, the age old question began to plague my mind … Why does a good God allow evil? This question came to the fore whenever I was confronted by evil acts against the innocent, helpless, oppressed and victimized. Why…, why…. Why? The answers came over time. So did healing and transformation. I have come to know God as faithful, compassionate, loving, kind, my heavenly Father. I have come to know that He is for me and that He has great plans for my life. A life that is yielded to Him. If you have had a similar experience and would like to find the hope and healing that I have found in God. Why not ask Him to come into your life now. I promise you it will never be the same. Pray this prayer with me. Lord Jesus, I thank You for Your love. I thank You for Your mercy. I recognize that I am a sinner in need of Your salvation. I now choose to turn away from evil and accept Your free gift of salvation made through Your sacrifice on the cross. Please wash away all my sins and come into my life so that I might live through You. Amen. I would love to hear from you! Provide feedback or let me know if you prayed that prayer. Contact me at ahermittsmusings@gmail.com.
THE PROBLEM OF EVIL (PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE) PART 2
This topic is of a sensitive nature and might evoke intense emotional responses. Thank you so much for coming back. We are going to be delving into God’s sovereignty. A weighty topic indeed! As usual I welcome your comments. Have a read, mull it over and shoot me an email. Blotches of salty tears mixed with ink splattered across the journal page on which I was writing. My tears had become my constant companion, ever since I remembered the ordeal of being raped at 13. I was angry, confused, sad all the time and plagued by questions. I felt unprotected, unloved, uncared for, rejected and abandoned. I felt I was to blame. I had accepted Jesus as my Saviour at the age of 12. Why didn’t that insulate me from being sexually abused? My faith in God was challenged. Why God? I asked. Why do You, who claim to be good allow evil? Memories, of another time and another place, crowded to my consciousness. The sky blushed a deep hue of purple as the dawn brushed its lips against the fading darkness. Head bent, shoulders stooped, I walked down the road on the way to work. The streets were deserted; not even a dog in sight. I hurried along focused on arriving to work in time for my shift. I didn’t see the shadowy figure until it had grabbed a hold of my arm. With the other hand the figure unsheathed a butcher’s knife and poked it into my side. Shivers ran up and down my spine as the icy fingers of fear gripped my body. I silently held out my handbag, thinking that the man wanted money. He refused it and slithered his body closer to mine. With that, I could not mistake his intentions. Still holding my arm in a vice like grasp he pulled me along towards an abandoned lot with a few decrepit shacks. With a poke of his knife he reminded me not to make a sound. There was no one to hear me anyway. The beat of my heart thudded in my head, my mouth went dry, shock and terror assailed me. He pushed me into the yard ahead of him. What would become of me? Was he going to kill me? Where could I run to? I don’t know what caused me to look up but I did. It was then I saw it – light – a bright light streaming from a doorway. And, could it be?! A woman was standing in the doorway looking down on the scene unfolding before her eyes. When the man saw her, he angrily ordered her to go back into her house. She stridently refused. Getting the message that she was not afraid of him, he beckoned to me to rejoin him. With the smell of freedom wafting my nostrils, I ran with trembling legs towards the doorway and into the woman’s house. I stood behind her shaking as the man, realizing that his plans had been foiled, walked away. I was safe! Relief, like the warm waves of a sundrenched sea, flooded my being. Why had God allowed me to be raped at 13 but saved me from a similar fate at 25? Much to the delight of the Jews at the time, King Herod Agrippa 41- 44 BC persecuted the early church. He had James, the brother of John killed by the sword and imprisoned Peter with the intention of assigning him a similar fate. However, Herod’s hostile ambition was thwarted. God engineered Peter’s miraculous escape by an angel (See Acts 12:1-18). Why did God allow James to be killed but miraculously delivered Peter? God’s sovereignty confronted me face to face. God is sovereign. He is supreme in authority and all things are under His complete control. “Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases.” Psalm 115:3. God says of Himself, “I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me…My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.” Isaiah 46:9-10. God is omnipotent. He rules over all. He is unchanging, resolutely accomplishing all His plans and purposes. The Apostle Paul recounting God’s mighty acts in Egypt on behalf of the children of Israel writes: For Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Therefore, God has mercy on whom He wants to have mercy, and He hardens whom He wants to harden. One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist His will? But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay pottery for special purposes and some for common use? Romans 9:17-21. God sovereignty has the potential to make one uncomfortable if it is not seen in light of His great and amazing love for us, His wisdom, His grace, His goodness and perfection. God is sovereign but not arbitrary. God cannot lie and His word says that He works all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Job, a good man, by God’s own testimony, wrestled with God’s sovereignty in the midst of his intense trials and suffering. In the end he confessed: “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore, I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. Hear and I will speak; I will question You, and You make it known to me.’ I had heard of You by the hearing of the
THE PROBLEM OF EVIL (PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE) PART 3
God is such a killjoy! I silently screamed at my reflection in the mirror. I had decided to follow Jesus at the age of 12. The denomination to which I belonged, zealously administered the do’s and don’ts that attended that decision. The sum total of them, to my teenaged mind, sounded the death knell to a highly desirable life of carefree fun and frolic. That is the life my non-Christian friends could have, but not me. I envisaged spending the rest of my days excluded from all the activities that made life worth living. Grudgingly “serving the Lord” with a sour disposition; while colored green with envy at my friends enjoying theirs. It meant, startlingly, “no intimate boyfriend”. No boyfriend! I would have none of it! You see, even though the memories of being raped and the subsequent clandestine couplings were swaddled in grave clothes and consigned to an unmarked grave deep within my consciousness. The illicit sexual desires these events evoked, wafted like stale perfume, deluging my thoughts and emotions with their scent. I had the intimate boyfriend. Months later I ended up pregnant with my first child at 18 years old. The boyfriend, though loving and fun filled pre-pregnancy, was unwilling to accept the responsibility of fatherhood. I was on my own. Unemployed, embarrassed and at a loss as to what to do. I had exercised my God given power of choice. This was a consequence. ____________________________________ The Godhead convened a council meeting. There was a matter of great importance to discuss. God is love. Love seeks expression. “We will make man in Our own image after Our likeness” was the unanimous decision; and so it was. (See Genesis 1:26). Part of what it means to be made in the image and likeness of God is the freedom of choice. A freedom God will not interfere with. Otherwise we would be mere robots. God insisted that we be like Him, with freedom to choose His way of not, even if our choices hurt Him. Wait a minute, you might say. God is absolutely sovereign. How do you reconcile His sovereignty with freedom of choice? Good question! Both ideas that God is sovereign and that He gave His creatures freedom of choice are scriptural and equally valid (See Isaiah 46:9, 10 and Galatians 6:7). They co-exist, in fact they are two sides of the same coin. How can this be? I don’t know, but God does. God is a mystery, if He were otherwise, He would cease to be God. Our human understanding of God will only take us so far. Beyond that, we have to proceed by faith. Faith born out of the fact that God has already demonstrated the epitome of love. He sent His Son Jesus to die, in order to purchase our freedom from slavery to sin and death. Remember, as the Scriptures says Now I see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then shall I know as I am known (1 Corinthians 13:12). It’s like a lay man’s understanding of an air plane. He does not know its technical/mechanical make-up. But, when he boards the plane, based on his past experiences and that of others, he has faith that it will take him to his destination and safely. ___________________________________ He watched me blossom from childhood to adolescence. In becoming a woman, I had shed my chubby form for curves, perky breasts and firm thighs. Day by day as he watched me his lust grew. “I have to have her before anyone else does”. “It is your right!” his friends agreed, laughingly egging him on. Besides, she a gwaan like she betta dan anybody else.” (She is behaving like she is better than anyone else). He carefully planned and plotted, down to the last detail, how he would make his conquest. Then, he pounced… and then he subdued. He exercised his God given freedom of choice. Four years later… The sound of rifle shots tore through the cold morning air. Feet running, sirens blaring, bawling women, bewildered children… the news came. His charred remains had been found beneath smoldering tyres, rifle atop in an adjoining community. The only means of identification, his signature gold chain with the pendant of a cross glistening in the sunlight. This was the final, fatal consequence of his exercising his God given freedom of choice. ____________________________________ We have an arch enemy, a creature of God, who makes it his point of duty to ensure that we exercise our God given freedom of choice to do evil in rebellion against God and to facilitate the progression of his agenda, to be like God, in the earth. Far from the imaginative caricature, pitch fork in hand; Satan is an intelligent, wise and crafty spiritual being, intent upon our destruction. (See Isaiah 14:12-14; Ezekiel 28:13-17; John 10:10). Christians wage an intense and consistent spiritual warfare against Satan in forwarding God’s agenda, the salvation and eternal redemption of the people He loves and for whom He died. One day while waging war against a satanic scheme I referred to Satan derogatively as “dutty (dirty) Satan”. In a heartbeat, the Spirit of God rebuked me. “You must not refer to Satan, a creature that I have made, as dutty”. I was puzzled. Why would God not want me to be as demeaning as possible with Satan, His archenemy? The Spirit of God explained. “Satan exercised his God given freedom of choice to rebel against Me. I do not resent him for making that choice and I never address him disrespectfully”. He pointed me to Jude 9, the example of the powerful archangel Michael ‘who dared not bring against him (Satan) a reviling accusation, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!”. My point… God respects our choices, whether they are righteous or not, and allows the natural consequences of those choices. By the way… I have discovered, based on my relationship with God, that far from being the killjoy I had envisaged in my teenage years,
THOSE PESKY EMOTIONS
“You’re such a Drama Queen!” sneered Samson. Eyes blazing, arms waving wildly. “And you’re so cold!” retorted Janice eyes brimming with tears, arms akimbo, stance defiant. “There you go again getting all emotional on me – Women.” muttered Samson; shaking his head while stalking off with an exasperated sigh. This scene is typical of some relationships. However, it turns out that both parties are wrong in their assessment of each other. God made us all emotional creatures. He wired our brains to make us that way. The physical structure of our brains ensures that our very first reaction to any event will always be emotional. I can see you scratching your head and going ‘huh?’ Here’s how it works. We all have five senses. Everything you see, hear, smell, taste and touch goes through your body as electrical signals. These signals go from one cell in your body to the next until they reach their final destination, your brain. The signals enter your brain at the base, near the spinal cord. From there, they must make their way to the front of your brain (the frontal lobe – behind the forehead) before you can think about what you experienced through your senses. On their way to the frontal lobe the electrical signals have to pass through the part of the brain called the limbic system. This is where emotions are produced. Let’s say that I touched a hot stove. After doing their rounds from cell to cell, the electrical signals enter my brain and pass through my limbic system where I feel pain before they get to the frontal lobe of my brain where I register that I got burned. The rational/thinking part of your brain can’t stop the emotion “felt” by your limbic system, but the two areas impact each other and are communicating all the time. This communication between the emotional/feeling part of the brain and rational/thinking part of the brain is the physical source of what is called “Emotional Intelligence”. Emotional Intelligence is your ability to identify and understand emotions in yourself and others. It extends to your ability to use this awareness to manage your behaviour and relationships. Samson and Janice need some of this don’t you think? Emotions can help you or hurt you. You can make the choice between them helping or hurting you by learning to understand them and using your understanding to manage your behaviour in any given situation. Admittedly, not many of us have this skill. We were not taught to be aware of our emotions and understand them. As a matter of fact, we were most times encouraged to deny and shoot them down like pesky flies. This leaves us with little or no resources to manage our emotions. This is a stark reality in our country where a number of suicides have followed the onslaught of the Covid 19 pandemic. A host of feelings accompany being faced with a pandemic and with the attendant social distancing rules, the wearing of masks, closure of schools, loss of livelihoods etc. How do we handle these emotions healthily? Emotional Intelligence provides one major part of the answer. The good news is that this deficit in awareness of how to handle our emotions can change. Emotional Intelligence is a skill that can be learnt. God wants us to be like His Son Jesus Christ who was very emotionally intelligent. We can catch glimpses of this in the following passages. John 15:10-11 (NIV) If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept My Father’s commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. John 2:14-17 (NIV) In the temple courts He found people selling cattle, sheep and doves and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So He made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; He scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves He said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning My Father’s house into a market!” His disciples remembered that it is written: ‘Zeal for your house will consume me.” John 11:33-35 (NIV) When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him? He asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept. How much of an impact does Emotional Intelligence have on your successfully managing your life? The short answer is a lot! Emotional Intelligence is foundational for a host of other critical skills like: Trust Time Management Empathy Anger Management Change Tolerance Customer Service Just to name a few. Come take a journey with me to learn and improve your Emotional Intelligence. I assure you it will be well worth your while. Some of the information presented was excerpted from “Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves (2009) Sharon E. Hermitt Managing Director HRWisdom Limited ahermittsmusings@gmail.com hrwisdom2020@gmail.com SHARE THIS:
LOVE: EMOTION OR DECISION?
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com Bella twirled around in her brand-new, flower girl dress. It’s beautiful! She exclaimed to her Dad. “I am going to be the prettiest girl at sister’s wedding.” The seven-year-old smilingly predicted. Off she pranced to show off her dress to her friends. On the way she overheard Aunt Mina in conversation with one of the guests. “Darling, I just love your dress, it’s to die for!” Aunt Mina gushed. Peering into a room in which she hoped to find her friends; she was the hidden witness to her sister and her soon to be husband embracing. “I’m so glad you are going to be my wife.” The husband-to-be whispered. “I love you!” On the back-verandah Beth sat hugging her poodle. “I just love you, my precious pup! She sighed. Bella returned to her dad with a confused frown knitting her brow. “What’s the matter sweetheart? He asked. “Daddy, what is love?” Startled by her question, he stared at her. For a brief moment he was sorely tempted to respond, ‘Love is a feeling that you feel, when you feel a feeling that you have never felt before’ He dismissed the thought. Bella deserved a better answer. After all she was in her formative years. ‘What will I tell her?’ he mused. What do you think? Different kinds of love Bella had heard the word ‘love’ expressed about a dress, another person and a dog. How would you settle her troubled mind? Psychologists have painted different pictures of love using the following eight descriptions: Philia referred to as brotherly love, is an affectionate love between true friends without any romantic attraction. This love grows in an environment of mutual respect and trust. Pragma or practical love which has reason or duty as its basis. Storge occurs naturally, quickly and easily between parents and children, as well as besties (best friends). Affection, acceptance and connectedness are the linchpins of storge. Eros coined romantic love, is displayed through physical affection and romantic behaviours. Eros is commonly shared by husbands and wives. Ludus is childlike and flirtatious consisting of teasing, playful motives and laughter. Mania obsesses, is jealous and possessive. Philautia is love for self in which there is recognition of one’s worth and an attention to one’s needs. Agape a selfless love which is commanded of all who are in Christ, is given without expectations of receiving anything in return. These descriptions of love though helpful, still don’t quite answer Bella’s question. They leave us wanting, as if love were some nebulous thing defying understanding. The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines love as “a feeling of constant affection for a person.” The couple newly engaged calls it “butterflies, giggles and a pep in your step”. Others, not quite so starry eyed, say it’s “a wild and nerve–racking roller coaster ride” A mother/father says “it is staying up at nights with a sick child’. In Fiddler on the Roof, Golde wryly responded to Teyve’s question of whether she loved him: “For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned the house, given you children, milked your cow. If that is not love, what is?” A star employee sees it as “caring for your co-workers, actively listening to your customers and most of all, being mindful of what you say to your boss”. As can be seen love, takes on many different forms and will often be expressed quite differently and individually. However, these different expressions are all regarded as love. Bella is right to be confused! The 1955 film title ‘Love is a many-splendored thing’ is quite apt don’t you think? Is love an emotion or a decision? Is it neither or both? The sentiments we have considered so far and taking note of Webster’s use of the word constant in the definition of love; would lead us to conclude that even though love elicits very strong and most times visible emotions. It is not an emotion. Bella’s Dad is still not out of woods in crafting an answer to her question. It seems one really can’t quite pin ‘love’ down. Join me next week for Part 2 as we dig deeper. Sharon E. Hermitt Managing Director HRWisdom Limited November 10, 2020
LOVE: EMOTION OR DECISION? PART 2
You will recall that in Part 1 we were trying to help Bella’s Dad answer the question ‘What is love?’ In our further quest to determine whether love is an emotion or a decision. We explored different descriptions and expressions of love but have not quite yet pinned down an answer. Love is a Person 1 John 4:7-8 (ESV) Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love, does not know God, because God IS love. Love is one of God’s core attributes. It’s the very nature of God. He is the source of love; the very essence of love. He is the creator of love and therefore provides the perfect example of what love is. God is love’s benchmark. It is impossible for God to not love. Everything God does is loving. He has shed abroad His love in our hearts. Therefore, we love Him because He first loved us. Love is Action Romans 5:8 (NIV) God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ died for us. You cannot know that you are loved unless it is expressed, whether verbally or through actions. For instance, you would have a hard time believing the protestations of love from someone who refuses to forgive you for something you did, wouldn’t you? Show & Tell a song made popular by Al Wilson, hits the nail on the head. How do you show someone you love them? This can mean different things to different people and can be quite a challenge. “How can you say you love me?” shouted Martha incredulously. “I bring home the bacon, don’t I.” retorted Mark. Obviously, Martha is expecting something very different from what Mark is giving. He thinks she should get it that he loved her because he is a good provider. However, Martha doesn’t get it. Gary Chapman, author of the book the Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, theorized that each person has a unique way in which they perceive/receive love. This is his/her love language. Chapman lists five: Words of Affirmation – Written or spoken words that validate, support, encourage or empathize with another. Acts of Service – Serving i.e. doing something for another that they would like, e.g. serving your mother breakfast in bed, just because. Receiving gifts Quality Time – Focused time spent with a loved one attending to their needs/wants. Physical Touch Some persons have multiple love languages. Chapman claims that finding out and expressing your loved one’s love language(s) can lead to relational bliss. Love is a Decision Jesus said, “A new command I give you: that you love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34 NIV). Matthew 5:44 explains this command and shows you how to fulfill it. ‘Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you; that you may be the children of your Father which is in heaven.” Here we see that love is a decision to obey a command to love. The decision to love is by no means an easy one. We fall short so readily and are in need of God’s grace to love out of a pure heart as He commanded us. I have been faced with this decision to love on a number of occasions but one stands out very clearly. A supervisor at work was very difficult to get along with. I was subjected to many acts of injustice and just plain meanness. I cried out to God for deliverance, hoping He would provide another job. When that was not forthcoming I asked Him what to do, the situation was becoming unbearable. With tears in my eyes I said “Father, help me, what must I do?” He said very clearly “Love her.” “What?! I recoiled, tears swiftly drying. That thought had never crossed my mind. How could I love this person who had been so mean? God promised to show me how and He did. I became a servant. I would get her coffee/tea/water multiple times a day. I would go out of my way to be pleasant etc. Not long after she confessed to going through a particularly rough time and being in need of my prayers. God’s way, though difficult, turned out to be quite fulfilling. The command to love includes you loving yourself – Love your neighbour as yourself. Are you self- critical? Are you unforgiving of yourself? Do you call yourself names? Do you think you are worthless? How do I love myself? You may ask. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 spells it out. “Love endures long and is patient and kind. (Be patient and kind with yourself). Love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy. (Be content with who you are what you have). Love is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride). (Seek humility, God actively resists the proud). Love is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. (Don’t be rude to yourself, call yourself a fool etc.). Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person. (This includes yourself). Love’s hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening). Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” Do you think we have answered Bella’s question? I do. Does love belong in the workplace? Join me for Part 3 as we explore this. Sharon E. Hermitt Managing Director HRWisdom Limited November 15, 2020
LOVE: EMOTION OR DECISION? PART 3
The Workplace When it comes to the workplace, what’s love got to do with it? Does love belong in the workplace? I hear a resounding ‘No’ from one section of my audience? I figure you are recalling what are termed “office romances” and would emphatically agree with the statement ‘nuh wuk caan gwaan wen di luv a bite!’ (Work cannot go on when workmates are in love). You would caution that these liaisons have no place at the office as they very often get very messy. In fact, they create such a mess, that some businesses outrightly forbid them. But, there are some of you who would argue for such liaisons, as you recall the many successful marriages that have been the outcome. What kind of love is being talked about here? Eros or romantic love. Though I foresee that this issue could become a very heated debate, we will consider the question from some typical workplace situations, to see if love and the workplace can and should coexist. With each situation outlined, both the employer and the employee are encouraged to consider how love can be expressed or received from their perspective. Customer Relationship Management The well-known adage “The customer is always right” forms a critical part of the philosophy of many businesses. Experience has taught that this adage is not necessarily true but it is good for business. Businesses worldwide are interested in how to attract and retain customers. This is the bottom line and many a job holder’s meal ticket. Romancing your customer, an emerging concept, posits that you can attract and retain customers by providing them with what they need. You win them over with your expertise, knowledge, and helpfulness and you build trust so that they want to do business with you repeatedly. Pragma or practical love which has reason or duty as its basis is at work here. Do you know that the same principles apply to managing relationships with internal customers? These customers are often overlooked to the peril of many otherwise successful businesses. Paying attention to your internal customers can facilitate profitable enterprise, not just for the workplace overall but also for individual workers. Performance Management Do you jump with jubilation at the thought of the annual performance review? Have you ever encountered your coworker in the hallway singing “appraisal time”? I don’t think so. The performance appraisal exercise is a dreaded ‘must-do’ in the minds of many supervisors and workers alike. It doesn’t have to be that way. Deliberately communicate positive messages about your performance management system from the minute an employee has landed a job with your organization. Instead of being seen as a ‘necessary evil’, paint performance appraisals as opportunities for growth and development; where everyone learns how to maximize both negative and positive feedback. Create excitement around the performance review by judiciously planning and implementing the entire exercise. Make it a year-round process rather than a once a year event. Incorporate it with your communication, retention, succession and training & development programmes. Give praise and tangible rewards for excellent performance. Make recognition an occasion for celebration. Emphasize the benefits while acknowledging and mitigating the disincentives of the exercise. Avoid rater errors (errors in judgement that occur when a supervisor/appraiser observes and evaluates the performance of a supervisee/appraisee), and endeavour to make the process fair and transparent. Don’t create tasks that are hurdles rather, use ones that gently stretch your workers to attain the heights of excellence in performance. Gary Chapman would point to Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts as being evident here. Do you see the love? The employee can empathize with the supervisor in recognizing that assessing performance is never an easy task. The supervisor may fear confrontation and avoid giving honest feedback. Make it so that this is not the case with your supervisor. Be accommodating and open to constructive criticism. View these as stepping stones to career success. Communication The deleterious effects of gossiping and the company grapevine(s) are various and vicious. They can suck the very lifeblood out of an organization. Unproductivity, the erosion of trust, the destruction of morale, increased anxiety and stress are all outcomes. There are some who naively believe that if one ignores the gossip and the grapevine they will go away. Or they take a fatalistic attitude that says ‘that’s just the way things are, people will be people’. Nature abhors a vacuum. Gossip or grapevine(s) which are an informal internal channel of communication, shoots up where formal channels do not adequately address the communication needs of workers. Workers may be feeling uncertain or threatened about their job security or there may be an impending large-scale change. Any matter that is of importance to employees is a good material for gossip. Rumors which are attempts to simplify and interpret uncommunicated, unverified, unconfirmed information, are almost always the consequence. The damage is magnified by the ‘Chinese telephone effect’. Have you ever played this game? I am amazed, every time, at the realization that the statement made at the beginning of the game differs significantly from the one made at the end. Have you ever been a part of a grapevine? If so, think about the usefulness and the effect it had. Did it accomplish the outcome you wanted? Owners/managers can lessen the damage caused by grapevines by starting their own. Manage by walking around. Walkabout the workplace with no particular objective than to catch up with your employees. Roll up your sleeves and help them with their tasks, enquire about their families and find out what is on their minds. Engagement and trust are critical benefits. Circulate employee surveys to get employees’ opinions on matters of importance to them. More importantly, do not sit on the results – ACT. Remain open, transparent, and share regular updates. Use the technology, especially in these days of social distancing, and create a virtual ‘huddle’ to cater to your employees’ need to socialize. Tell the truth but do it gently ‘seasoned with salt’. Get employees involved
LOVE – AGAPE
Agape love is the source from which all other expressions of love flow. Agape is God. Love that is unconditional, accepting, uncompromising, unchanging, unwavering, indefectible, indefatigable. This love is expressed universally, all God’s creatures are beneficiaries of His love. This love is chosen and deliberate and is lavished on the beloved whether he/she deserves it or not, is willing or not, receives it or not. Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13). All of us need love. It is a matter of survival. Ever noticed a man, woman, boy or girl who does not feel loved? Closer to home, have you ever felt unloved? A recipe for misery, isn’t it? In spite of, or maybe more correctly, in addition to all the other types and expressions of love, be it philia, eros, storge or pragma, every human being needs agape. We all want to know that we enjoy love from another being that is indestructible. We term that real love. But are human beings capable of giving agape? Jesus required it of His followers: A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another (John 13:34). Jesus operated in agape. We must. In all our relationships be it at home, at church, in the workplace, on the streets, wherever, agape is the standard. Truthfully, we are not capable of this kind of love in our own strength. However, the good news is we are not being asked to. God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us (Romans 5:5). We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). The aim of our charge is love, that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and sincere faith (1 Timothy 1:5). Let me illustrate: In a disagreement: Be angry and do not sin (Psalm 4:4; Ephesians 4:26). There are some situations that warrant anger and it is ok to express anger. However, in ‘letting it rip’, don’t belittle or demean the person with whom you are angry. Don’t call them names. Don’t seek to tear them down and destroy their sense of worth and self. Instead remember love. Deal with the issue at hand and strive to maintain respect. Feeling wronged? “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). Forgiveness is not a feeling. More often than not, we don’t feel like we want to forgive. We want the person to suffer. We want to harm the person even. However, it is instructive to recall the countless times we have been forgiven and to extend forgiveness. Contrary to what some people believe, forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook and giving them free rein to do it again. It is releasing ourselves from the burden of bitterness. Unforgiveness only hurts the person who is doing it. We must decide, all the time, in every situation, to forgive. It is the expression of agape. As Nelson Mandela aptly assented, “Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it is such a powerful weapon” (From a 1995 speech). Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit (Philippians 2:3). As followers of Christ, we are not prideful and only concerned with our own interests, benefits and welfare regardless of others. We are not disciples of the “Me, Myself & I” movement. Instead, we imitate Christ’s humility and value others above ourselves. “The customer is always right”. This philosophy works, not only because its practical but biblical as well. Chronic lateness; absenteeism; wasting time on the job; taking home the paper clips, paper, elastic bands, pens, after all “dem nah miss it” (they won’t miss it); stealthily making copious copies on the company’s copier; idling; shoddy work; malicious backstabbing; destructive criticism; a surly, sour disposition; mean temperedness and arrogance should not be named among us. We are children of the Most High God and should display His character and excellence in all things. That is love. On a Personal Note My mother died on the day before my birthday in 2018. Reflecting on our lives together, spanning decades, brought a startling revelation. As I was ruminating with God I recalled the sacrifices she had made over the years. She never allowed me to go hungry, even if she was. I was always smartly and fashionably dressed, even if her clothes were not as trendy. She taught me to fear God, to be kind. She taught me courage and exemplified what it means to put others above self. I was her daughter and she was proud to admit it. She was my usually silent, but occasionally boisterous cheer leader. She affirmed and took care of me. She gave me of her best. I was adopted, but no one ever knew. This made me appreciate what it means to be adopted by God. As I considered this I asked, how come I never felt adopted? How come she loved me as one would love their own child that issued from their own body? I always knew I was accepted and that I belonged; always experienced forgiveness and felt her commitment to me as her cause. God’s reply – Love is blood! I would relish the opportunity to interact with you. Shoot me an email at ahermittsmusings@gmail.com.
THE EMOTIONS OF MISTAKES
How do you feel about making a mistake? Do you think they are opportunities to learn and grow? Do you think they are to be avoided at all costs? How does your organization treat mistakes? When someone makes a mistake is (s)he publicly scorned and black-listed? Is the opportunity taken to brainstorm solutions and share knowledge so that everyone benefits? What emotions are evoked when you consider making a mistake? Sally walked out of the meeting, shoulders hunched, an angry scowl marring her otherwise pleasing features. Her supervisor had done it again! She had called her out in front of the whole team and berated her for a mistake. She had implemented an idea that turned out to be a mistake. Fortunately, she reminisced with great relief, damage control mechanisms had been put in place and the company’s reputation remained intact. She wistfully rehearsed the many other ideas that she had implemented that had been successes. No one remembered those! Her anger resurfaced. She recalled the scene that had just played out in the Blue Room; aptly named she smirked. The accusatory stares of her team members seemed like daggers that found their mark in her heart. If I had stayed in that one-minute longer I would have been bawling, she mused. Her once hunched shoulders stiffened. That just would not do, that would have been so much more embarrassing! I feel disgraced, worthless, silly. I will never share an idea with this company ever again, she vowed. Sadly, here we have a heart wounded over a mistake. Our brain is designed so that everything we experience through our senses must be ‘felt’/labelled emotionally by the limbic system before they are ‘telt’/labelled rationally in the frontal lobe. The communication between the limbic system and the frontal lobe is the physical source of what is termed Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is our ability to identify and understand emotions in ourselves and others. Emotions can help you or hurt you, but the good news is we can be empowered to determine whether our emotions are resources or liabilities. Let’s try to help Sally understand the emotions that were stimulated by the incident. Sally has already identified, embarrassment, disgrace, worthlessness, and silliness. Even though we have a host of descriptions for our emotions; research has indicated that we only have five core emotions: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Shame. The descriptions we coin indicate the intensity with which we are feeling the core emotions. In Sally’s case, disgrace and worthlessness are high-intensity feelings, embarrassment medium intensity, and silliness low intensity, for the core emotion of, you guessed it, ‘Shame’. What is shame? An unpleasant, self-conscious emotion, typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. (en.wikipedia.org). Shame is felt physically in the face, neck, and upper chest. There are feelings of warmth or heat and, according to the hue of the skin, there may be redness. These symptoms are accompanied by a desire to hide. Everyone, even infants, feels shame even though they may not recognize it as such. Ever burped loudly in a crowd? Ever felt flawed or inferior? Here are some common ‘shame’ experiences: Shyness (shame when you are in a strange situation or with a strange person). Discouragement (shame about a situation in which you were temporarily defeated) Embarrassment (shame in front of other people, especially if these persons are friends, acquaintances or co-workers) Self-consciousness (shame about your performance) Inferiority (overpowering and all-encompassing shame about yourself) Notably, shame can be healthy as when one behaves or says something dishonorable, improper, or just plain ridiculous. However, many people suffer from unhealthy shame, and what’s worse, might not even know it. Always – There is hope in Christ, who is the God of all comfort, our joy, our delight. If you are experiencing difficulties with shame or any other emotional issue I invite you to take it to Him, our Wonderful Counselor. I would also recommend that you seek the services of a qualified counselor who will offer you the support that you need as you overcome. Overcoming is guaranteed as according to the Scriptures “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.” (Revelation 12:11 NKJV). Join me in Part 2 – We will continue to explore Sally’s issue and offer tips for recovery. Contact me at ahermittsmusings@gmail.com